*The familiar static of the channel changing as it tunes into the one and only Local SP CH 68 news team. It starts with Jeannie Webb, wearing a Cheerleading outfit and holding pom-poms in one hand while her mic is in the other, behind her two-dozen similarly dressed cheerleaders sit in the grandstands of an auditorium.*
Jeannie: “…And it’s finally been decided that the Big East Cheer Camp and Championship competition will be hosted by the Bay Area Tri-City College!”
*She turns and Goes “WHOOOOOO!!!!” Waving the pom-poms and the Cheerleaders in the stand all bounce up like they are on bungee cords and echo the “WHOOOOO!!!!” cheering and hooting in celebration.*
Jeannie: “Conference and nonconference competitions will travel here everything from grades Seven on up to College will come, compete and show off what they got. But I know my girls will give ‘em a run for their money and show ‘em who’se best!”
*Again the Group erupts in cheers and jumps and surrounds Jeannie to ham it up a bit for the camera in a cascade of White, Green and Blue Poms. As the camera cuts back to the news center with Raymond Wages sitting at the desk*
Raymond: “I look forward to seeing all they got Jeannie.” *he turns to look at center camera* “We will have highlights from the competition once it begins to keep you all updated on just what these girls got.
*He adjusts a couple of papers on the desk and turns back to the original camera off center*
Raymond: “Resident attorney Alfred Gloom has filed an appeal with the Maine Supreme court concerning the local council hearings on allegations of misconduct. Gloom previously filed a complaint that the township council improperly conducted a preliminary investigation of misconduct in his position as township councilor. The Regional Superior justice previously denied the complaint. Gloom was removed from the council when preliminary findings indicated he had acted in a manner unbefitting a councilor of the township in accepting funds, maintaining records and claims of inappropriate advances towards Township employees. It is unknown at this time if the Supreme Court will hear the complaint or dismiss it.”
*He turns back towards center camera and smiles*
Raymond: “Wilbert Woods has today off, so here is Tammi Bean with this week’s weather.” *He really does a good job hiding the grimace that wants to show on his features* “Tammi what can we expect from Jack Frost this week?”
*The camera cuts to Tammi Bean standing in front of the Weather screen. Today wearing a sports jacket and short skirt, she doesn’t seem to be wearing any shirt underneath the jacket and it must be by the grace of some deity that those two buttons holding it closed stay fastened. She flashes a big grin and waves to the camera.*
Tammi: “HIIII Everybody! Well I don’t know Jack, but the Frost is going to be coming. Thankfully not today!”
*She turns like Vana White to Wave her hand over the screen behind her and grins as the Week’s numbers show. Tuesday with a 32° / 20° Showing Sunshine and then Flurries scattered at night. Wednesday with a 32° / 26° listing showing rain turning into Snow at night.*
Tammi: “As you can see on the magic screen here we have lots of sun fading to clouds today which will eventually turn into scattered snowflakes tonight. Reaching a high of Thirty-Two Little….”
*She blinks and seems to read the prompter screen and then looks off camera*
Tammi: “Where’s the little circles?” *She listens* “No…I know there’s little circles…they were SUPER important since every number had them…even on the big screen they have them…I made sure…double sure that I mentioned them because they were super important!”
*She listens to something else from off screen*
Tammi: “For the last time I don’t know why you keep mentioning Degrassi! What you think the little circles are too good for me? You just want me to look like an idiot by not mentioning the little circles! Come here!”
*She scampers off stage and a loud noise can be heard before the mic cuts out showing the remainder of the week with Thursday Cloudy with snow showers expected a high of 37° and a low of 27°, Friday showing Scattered clouds and sun with a high of 38° and low of 28°, Saturday Cloudy and overcast with a High of 39° and low of 27°, Sunday still cloudy with a high of 37° and low of 24°, Monday, however, is flagged as being freezing rain and high winds with a High of 36° and low of 30°.*
*The camera cuts back to Raymond at the desk looking sideways and wincing as another crash sounds*
The following is a response on behalf of the Board of Directors for The Asphyxiation Times in regards to their Editor, Phedre Dumouriez, being served a legal notice of a civil suit of Wrongful Appropriation of images and Violation of Privacy.
Dear Loyal Readers,
Lawsuits are a normal part of being an independent news agency. One could say that they 'come with the territory' - especially when it comes to accurate reporting of information that some would prefer never see get printed.
We here at the AP Times strive to bring you news that is unadulterated, factual and unbiased, but we have recently been dragged into one such situation where not only our own reputation is at stake, but so is the livelihood of our Editor, Ms. Phedre Dumouriez.
The allegations that Ms. Dumouriez improperly used a photo in a recent calendar project between The Times and Aperture Studio have been grossly over-exaggerated, and we believe that the plaintiff, local DA Eva Perry, does not have sufficient proof to carry this suit to term.
One may even have to wonder as to why the DA would be having professional photos of such a nature taken in the first place.
However, though we have our doubts about the DA herself, we do have complete faith in the rest of our legal system and have offered our full support towards Ms. Dumouriez, including access to the very best of our legal resources. She has even been offered leave with pay in order to fully focus on the effort of clearing these allegations.
We ask that our loyal readers please grant her some clemency during her time of need, and direct any questions you may have about the case to The Times Office Manager, Larlotte Blackwater.
We look forward to seeing a successful result to this matter and to welcoming back our Editor with a clean slate.
Mr. Richard A. Lucre
Asphyxiation Point Times President on behalf of the entire Board of Directors
((Phedre will continue to be OOC lead during this time, but do not hesitate to come out and RP with Larlotte while Phe is 'indisposed'!))
AP Times NEW Gossip Column - The APB - is looking for YOUR biggest secrets!
Are you harboring a naughty secret? Perhaps have some soiled laundry to air out? Got any dirt to dish of any kind?
If there's a juicy piece of gossip that you're just dying to share with the rest of the AP Community, then let the APB know by calling the 1-BIG-FAT-LIES tip line today, or email Loose Lips Diva at APB@APTimes.ap
Whether TRUE or FALSE, the APB is searching for all the news that's NOT fit to print! Let US be your place to go to for weekly scandalous updates!
Anonymity is assured and details can be as sordid as you can dish out!
((OOC: Please contact Phedre Dumouriez or Larlotte in-world directly for a 'gossip form' to fill out. Do not trust the email. The email is a lie!))
I recently met and befriended a married individual. We have become friends and close due to some extreme circumstances but I have found myself fantasizing about this person a lot. There have been times where they have been flirtatious in a friendly manor or touch playfully. I don't know if they are giving me signs of something more or not. I have never been even thought of being involved with someone who is married but I find myself not caring and just wanting more time with this person.
I know I should stop thinking in that way but the more I am around him the more I can't help it. What do I do? How do I move on to people who seem far less attractive, interesting and even likable than my married friend. HELP!!
The answer is: you do not move on less attractive people! There's no such thing as friendly flirting or touching, He's definitely flirting and groping, but fear not: married men are a great choice! First of all, there already was a woman giving her seal of approval when she put a ring on their finger. Secondly, you will only get the best part of them, while somebody else will deal with them snoring, leaving their dirty laundry around or needing to be fed. Last but not least, they will always feel guilty for cheating on their wife, or for not giving you what you truly deserve, and you can use that to your own advantage.
Good luck with your new love story! And keep us posted!
Do you find it hard to get a date? Wish a woman would pay attention to you? Wrist too sore from repeated wanking? You don't have to go it alone! Call xxx-xxxx (IM or notecard Amaya Grau) to make an appointment with your certified loneliness counselor. Promise to never leave you blue or stiff!
Asphyxiation Point police and the county coroner are investigating after a person was found dead inside the AP cinema earlier this week.
Officers and emergency medical crews were dispatched shortly before 11 AM, after the body was located by a cinema attendant. The person - a white male - was pronounced dead at the scene.
Police said that foul play is suspected, considering that the body was laid out in a horrific fashion. An investigation is ongoing, and operations at the theater were affected for several hours, as activity lasted into the late afternoon, though it did not affect traffic in the area.
Additional details were not immediately available from police, but the attendant who found the body was willing to discuss what he had seen with The AP Times.
"It was horrible," explained Biff. "He had 'I am a Rapist Pig' smeared across his bare torso, his eyes were missing, and his [penis] was shoved into his mouth! At first I thought that it was just a prank, 'cause we had been playing horror movies earlier that day. But it was real."
The body has since been identified as one Dr. William Crane, who worked at the AP Hospital and had been missing for some time. According to neighbors, Dr. Crane only left the house at night and did not seem to have any friends, but apparently was a fan of home improvement, as his living room was said to be sound proofed.
Dr. Crane leaves no known relatives and questions remain about what could have brought on his grisly demise.
Police are looking for a possible suspect - a large masked man dressed all in white - and anyone with information is asked to contact Officer Jennie Irelund or Chief of Police Kerri Oakleaf.
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*The standard fuzz of the channel changing to tune into everyone’s best local source for low calorie full frontal action news, local AP channel 68. Starting up with Ariana Bening (Who has had a couple of days off) and Raymond Wages sitting at the news desk.*
Raymond: “…And that is why you shouldn’t try and cut a nun off in traffic.”
*Both Laughing, as Ariana faces the Camera center.*
Ariana: “We have some breaking local news, If you picked up one of those Calendars from the recent local promotion you may want to stash it away somewhere, the local news agency, the Asphyxiation Times has been served a legal notice of a civil suit regarding Wrongful Appropriation of images and Violation of Privacy from one of those who appeared in the pages. The Times and specifically their Editor have not yet commented on this lawsuit, and at this time we do not have permission to release the name of the person bringing the suit…”
Raymond: *Chiming in* “If only because we don’t want to be the next news agency served…” *He chuckles, but it’s obvious that may actually be a real worry right now from the forced tone.*
Ariana: “Later on this hour our legal correspondent Mary-Ann Ratering will share her preliminary thoughts on the impending proceedings. But first we have Wilbert Woods with the weekend weather. What have you got for us Wil?”
*Camera cuts to Wilbert standing in front of his display screen. As with the past couple of days it’s actually showing the background graphic with temperatures and weather conditions for Fridaythrough Wednesday.*
Wilbert: “Well Ari, the past week has kind of spoiled us with warmer temperatures despite the rain, this weekend is looking to get back to reminding us it’s winter. Today, We have mostly sunny skies, with a high of Thirty seven, despite the sun the temperatures will keep falling all through the day dropping rapidly after sundown to a low of about Six degrees. With the constant wind it’ll feel into the negatives with wind chill. Saturday, we start off in the single digits, have lots of sunshine, but it doesn’t really warm much getting up to the upper teens, and then staying there on into the nighttime hours. Though thankfully the wind backs off so it won’t feel nearly as bitterly cold.”
*He clears his throat as the background graphic slips to show the beginning of the next week, again no chicanery like normally accompanies his weather forecast.*
Wilbert: “Sunday and Monday shows scattered clouds and sun with the temperatures keeping in that low twenties to single digits at night. The winds remain light and variable. Tuesday the temperature gets back up into the low Thirties as we get cloud cover rolling back in, which should lead into scattered showers Tuesday evening and overnight, leading to a steady downpour on Wednesday morning with the temperatures rising up into the lower forties for those. Those rain showers only stick around in the morning and should clear out in the early evening though, but the temperature should remain just above freezing afterwards.”
*The background graphic shows the map of the bay area with the lines of the radar and the clouds off-shore drifting away*
Wilbert: “As you can see on Live Cobra radar, those rain clouds are heading on out, and we can’t yet see the ones due to arrive on here yet, but it does allow for a cold weekend, but one that should dry out enough for you to get some of those projects done you might have been holding off on because of the wet weather. That’s your local weather for AP Sixty-Eight.“
*The camera cuts back to Raymond and Ariana at the desk*
Raymond: “Thanks Wil. And now we have Dean Knopinski with a special report on the after holiday sale going on now at Good-Time Grannie's Jams and Jellies Shop on Doe Isle. We hear Ol Granny has quite a Jalapeno of a Spicy Jam she's started making this year."
*The camera splits showing Raymond on one side, and a bouncing Camera of the Cameraman following Dean as he runs around the wet yard waving his arms and yelling, while a kind looking elderly lady wearing overalls (Who seems to have a slightly wicked smirk when she's not expecting to be on camera) standing nearby with no audio but seeming to try and talk him down.*
Dean Knopinski: "~BLEEEEEP~ WHY!? ~BLEEEP~ TASTE LIKE ~BLEEEEP~ BURNING ~BLEEEEP~!!"
*Raymond clears his throat and motions for them to cut back to him*
Raymond: "It seems there's some technical difficulties...we'll et back to that. And now with that Special early look at all things Legal, Mary-Ann Ratering Independent Legal Correspondent for Channel Sixty Eight. Mary-Ann."
*The Camera cuts to an office with a woman who if she were a bit younger might be considered striking, but with the hint of silver in her hair strikes more of a Severe posture. Kind of like that one teacher you never wanted to get in school cross-bred with a vulture. She doesn't so much sit behind the desk as seems to perch there with fingers steepled in front of her*
Mary-Ann: "Thank you Raymond..And a pleasure to finally be back on the News. if I had known lawsuits would get me involved I'd have sued you a while ago."
*She smiles and there's humor there but that kind that sort of sends a shiver along one's skin as if what she finds humerus other people would find disturbing*
Raymond: ~Voiceover~ "yes..>Quite...Anyway...What can you tell us about this Legal suit against the Times. "
Mary-Ann: "Ah yes...Naturally there's little to go on as the Pleadings were filed with the court and the Summons delivered just recently. They haven't even Had an official answer, counter or cross-claim proposed yet. And at this time there hasn't even been a discussion on precisely when such will be presented let along a Conference for presenting motions which may mean this all may not even go to trial. But from what we do understand is that there is a disagreement about permission for the use of the Plaintiff's photographs in the promotional calendar recently published."
Raymond: ~Voice~ "In your experience, what validity is there to these kinds of suits?"
*The hawkish woman grins her eyes sparkling a bit, she looks damned evil when she's amused*
Mary-Ann: "Validity...such a big word I'm proud of you Raymond dear. In most cases there is no validity. Thirty percent of lawsuits like this are made as a cry for attention, Sixty percent are issued as a attempt to get money from a settlement with the business, only ten percent are ever actually due to a genuine concern or have any validity behind them at all. In most cases during the initial conference if the plaintiff doesn't have a strong case the defense will simply move to dismiss and oftentimes a judge will agree since it's a waste of time to address such without firm evidence. in this case, however, there may be a different factor depending on whether or not the paper has actually benefited from the publication of the calendar."
*She shrugs and settles back in her chair with a light smile*
Mary-Ann: "naturally I have my own strategy for dealing with such kinds of cases, without the usual company throwing money at a troublemaker and making them go away nonsense. And it will be interesting to see which strategy the Times' legal team chooses to go with. Do feel free to let me know as things develop if you wish to place a bet or guess which strategy I'd use Raymond dear."
*The camera goes back to the studio with Raymond and Ariana sitting again...both a little disturbed...it's a little obvious why they don't often interview that correspondent.*
Ariana: "Th...Thank you Mary-Ann. Coming up next, Kaylynn Garcia and Tammi Bean report from the Intercontinental Rice pudding festival. and Jeannie Webb has a special report on Road Snowboarding and the communities that want to make it illegal. All that and more on Local AP Action Sixty-Eight News, after these words from our sponsors. "
Love coloumn think advice is wonderful. Friend of mine on mainland tells me that English will get good if I write and that I should learn to "step to idols when they can smell roses". I have no idea what this mean but I have so many questions and you answer them.
I am person who grew up being told that love was for retards and grandparents to buy candy at holidays. It has given me ability to do work I do survive as I have for a number of years. I have found out though friend has fallen in love. While not unhappy for friend ( Good friend desere good things) but part of me hurts. I feel sad like something is missing. Is it? Do I need to find love?
Hart of Gold
Dear Hart of Gold,
I have been dumped twice just yesterday, by two different guys who told me "we need to talk". Seriously? Both of them? The same day? Just in thirty effin minutes? I didn't even have time to realize the first one was dumping me that the second guy did the same. So, listen to me: do not give your Hart to anybody! Love sucks, they suck, everything sucks. Also your friend.
So keep on surviving and let's all have ice cream today. We deserve it.
((OOC: Do you have a problem or need advice and don't know where to turn? Simply contact Zehena dropping her a notecard in-world.))
Asphyxiation Point Times
Get the latest scoop on day to day happenings at the scenic town of Asphyxiation Point.