By Ima Reportier

The recently re-opened Nacho Mama's - AP's go to restaurant for all things Mexican - was recently the 'victim' of a shoot out between multiple civilians and, eventually, with police.

The APPD was called after gunshots were heard along 2nd street. A call was also placed to 911 by one of the people involved, claiming to have been attacked.

The details of the actual occurrence are still unclear, but witnesses say that it appears to have involved the owners of both the taco shop and the Hung Dragon eatery next door: one Poe Biafra and Ming Yheng respectively. Another woman, possibly related to Ms. Yheng, was also involved. 

All three women were wounded during the incident, as was the police officer who responded to the scene. The window of Ms. Biafra's restaurant was also smashed. 

The investigation continues and anyone with additional information is asked to contact Chief Kerri Oakleaf. 

​Hey, is your home or business in need of a good scrubbing?  Do you need to know the answer to that pressing question burning away in the back of your mind?  Is that guy ever going to call you?  Will that chick ever put out?  Will these dishes wash themselves?

Call Amy!  She can help you!  

A world class cleaning lady combined with the tea-leaf reading gypsy soul of a redhaired new resident is the answer to your problems.  She can tell you the answers.... She can wash your dishes!  Just give her a call at 555-123-4567 or stop by #9 1st St. E.

((OOC: Contact Amelie Landrieu (fallon.claymore) for more information))

By Freddie the Freelancer​

The Shop N Scrub received three civil complaints this week about spoiled fruits for sale in the store. Two of the complaints came from a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Shore, visiting The Point on holiday. They stated they entered the store to by food for a picnic in the nearby park. Before the short meal was over they were both suffering from stomach cramps and diarrhea. One went to APH for relief and the other barely made it to the bathroom at Anderson's in time.

​Mr Shore stated, "It is ridiculous. This has ruined our vacation and that store clerk is an asshole. No other way to describe him. He wouldn't even refund us. He will hear from my lawyer." 

AP Times reporters questioned a store clerk in the shop who refused to offer his name but told the press, "Look! It isn't my fault. I don't own this place. We were getting a shipment every week on Wednesday. Nothing last week and half the usual the week before. Called the boss and heard nothing. Don't blame me. Check your purchase before buying." 

Oscar Meyer,  the owner of the Shop N Scrub, grew up in AP but has been running the business from New York for the past four years. The paper attempted to contact him but was unable to reach him for comment.

Have we got your attention now?  Good.  Because Climax is Hiring!

We're under new management and ready to shake this island to it's foundation.  Come join the Fun!  Be a part of the team that makes the Island Nights Hot and Steamy.

Seeking Hourly Staff (All Shifts available):
Bartenders
Waiters/Waitresses
Dancers
Door attendants
Event Hosts

Contract Position:
DJ

Salaried Positions:
Bar Manager - We all know Bartenders can be a lousy lot.  Missing shifts, drinking too much of the company booze, showing up hung over, screwing the guests.  All these things can happen in a single shift.  Do you have what it takes to manage this motley crew?  Then Apply Within!

Dance Captain - Dancers can be a surly lot.  Gossipy, Jealous, visiting the plastic surgeon weekly in a game of "I have the bigger tits".  Can you manage to keep all of this in check?  Come on down and boss a bunch of prima donnas around!

Event Host Manager - Do You have what it takes to be the Event Manager for the hottest club on this island or any other?  We're not kidding around here.  This job is a lot of fun, but it is also a lot of work.  Our Guests need entertaining, and your job is to keep them entertained.  Themed Events, Holiday Celebrations, Bachelor Parties, all these and more are your  milk and honey.  You could think of no better way to spend a Saturday Night than have fun with friends old and new and make some money at the same time.  If these things sound fun  then this may be the job for you.  Come by the club and fill out an Application!  We can't wait to delve into your skeleton closet and see if you have the right assets for this job!

All positions are available for interview at Club Climax.  Contact Sav Moyer with questions or to apply for any of the above positions.

Start today, the Hung Dragon will go do home deliveries too without no extra charge. Menu available in Hung Dragon. Please we no sell Japanese food or pork in meals. Pork make poop go thin and maybe deliver maggots so no ask.

For orders you can make call for number 773234. Please no calls between midnight and 05.00 AM because of internal breeding purposes.

((Contact Ming Yheng in-world to order from Hung Dragon today!))

By: Ima Reportier

Asphyxiation Point Investigators continue to be stymied in the murder investigation of Athena Black, a young pornography actress who was found strangled to death earlier this month.  Ms Black's wrongful death marks at least a dozen MDK offenses on the Island since the beginning of the year.  This averages out to one of the highest Homicide rates in the country.

In an effort to make progress on the investigation, sources have released some additional details that were previously kept under wraps.  

Athena was bound by silk ties to the hotel bed, and there were signs of sexual penetration to her body.  The lack of defensive wounds, and the discovery of strangulation videos indicating choking fantasy play may lead to the theory that the death was the accidental result of sex games gone too far.  

Ms Black appears to have been in a consensual relationship with one Brigita O'Doherty, who has thus far cooperated in full with the authorities, though she remains a person of interest in the case.

While the case may appear to be a slam dunk with the theory of sex play gone wrong, investigators ask that any potential leads be called in to the station to the attention of Officer Eli Vincente.

Additional details in this case will be shared as they become available.

The Asphyxiation Point Times is currently looking to fill positions of journalists, photographers, marketing executives and administrative assistants. (Freelancers are also welcome)

Do you have what it takes to keep up with the going-ons around AP? Do you enjoy staying up to date with the latest hot gossip; interviewing celebrities and criminals alike; keeping your cool during dramatic situations; and running all around the Island just to get the biggest story?

Do you have sufficient writing skills to get your point across? Or an understanding of marketing techniques with sales experience? Have you ever really just wanted to answer phones, read emails and sit on a computer playing solitaire all day?

If any of the above sounds of interest to you, then please contact Phedre Dumouriez, Editor in Chief of the AP Times to book an interview today! 

Dear Z,

Recently because of some sad circumstances I have had to take refuge on a friend's sofa and as much as I appreciate her letting me flop at her home, there is one thing that I simply can't ignore any longer and there is just no way to put this delicately.... she has a monstrously hairy bush and has no qualms about showing it off, problem is... she sheds, in the shower in the tub and short of holding her down myself and taking a razor to her myself, I don't know what to do!

Signed,
Harried Friend of Hairy Hootchie

--

Dear Harried Friend of Hairy Hootchie,

fear no longer, any question, even hairy ones, will get an answer here. Unluckily, you can't just use a razor like that on a person (and I would highly unrecommend using it on an animal as well), but there might be a way to minimize the impact of said bush on your shared life. It won't be free, though. Hydrogen peroxide costs a few bucks, and you just have to pour it into her shower soap container and wait for the magic to happen. After a few days her bush will be much lighter, and you just have to look horrified and ask her if she got the H.P. disease, telling her there's only a way to get rid of that before it attacks other parts of her body. Yeah, that one: shave it. Ah... in case said bush is already blondish, I am afraid the only solution is replacing her soap with a depilatory formula. But please keep me posted, I can't wait to know how it went! 

Yours Truly,

Z.

((OOC: Do you have a problem or need advice and don't know where to turn? Simply contact Zehena by dropping her a notecard in-world.))

By Sally Imaho

Friday evening saw the streets around Anderson's blocked off and every surface turned green in celebration of St Patrick's Day.  Green beer and cake, along with a live DJ and Dancing girls met the citizens of Asphyxiation Point all sponsored by Climax, T & B and Anderson's.  

While most citizen's seemed to enjoy the free beer, and exposed female flesh, some area denizens felt the accompanying street closures and disruptions to be detrimental to everyday life. 

"I live across the way, and I couldn't hear my Jerry Springer on the TeeVee" stated one citizen who asked to remain anonymous "Seems to me they should keep that rabble inside where it belongs." he continued "Though I did enjoy seeing them there t**ties!"

Despite the rare objection, the event seemed to be an overwhelming success for the hosting venues, and good fun for all in attendance.  This reporter looks forward to more events like it in the future.  Perhaps one without all the green dye.

Whether you're looking to post bail and are in need a good bondsman or are simply looking to purchase a firearm, then 'Murica! Firearms and Bail Bonds is the place for you.

AP's newest business venture opened its doors officially for the first time today, and this reporter was there to see if the inside services matched the brightly colored signage on the outside.

Upon arrival at the storefront at 10 2nd Street in Lowertown, you'll be greeted with what first appears to be an American Flag stretched out horizontally across the width of the building. Upon closer inspection, the flag resolves into letters that are in fact part of the business' banner. They declare in patriotic technicolor the services offered within - Firearms and Bail Bonds. 

Derric Bravin is the shop's owner. He is a Title 1 Federal Firearms License (FFL) dealer, as well as a licensed bail bondsman and fugitive recovery agent.

​When asked about the company name he chose, he had this to say:

"I grew up in a very patriotic family. We were taught to respect the flag, and those who fought to defend it. I myself served in the Army for eight years, and try to live up to the ideals our country was founded on, and that I fought for, every day. As a patriot, I believe firmly in the second amendment, and that law abiding citizens have the right to bear arms and to be able to adequately defend themselves. So some may see the name as a joke, and partially, in some small way, it is, after all the 'Murica meme's that started popping up several years ago, but mainly I named the business to show my deep love for my country and all it stands for."

As for why he chose Asphyxiation Point, Mr. Bravin continued with: 

"I was looking for a change of venue, and I liked what I saw when I arrived here. You see, I was running my business out in California. But... the regulations are insane there. A law-abiding citizen has to jump through hoops to buy a gun. They shouldn't have to do that. The criminals certainly don't. But really, the gun business is only part of what I do. I also have run a very successful bail bonds business, which I will be doing here as well. In fact, I just reached an agreement earlier today with Chief Oakleaf of the APPD for 'Murica! to provide monitoring services for people who have to wear an ankle monitor while awaiting trial. We'll be sure that they stick to the conditions of their bond, and not violate it in anyway, and if they do violate it, then I'll go find them and drag them back to jail."

And finally, when asked whether or not he himself has had needed a bondsman in the past...

"If you look me up, you'll find that I'm a decorated veteran, who served his country faithfully, received an honorable discharge, and had good relationships with all law enforcement agencies that he's worked with."

Overall, Mr. Bravin sounds like the honorable kind of person you want on your side. But should you manage to skip bail, I wouldn't put it past him to drag you back...  In his own words, "By the ankles if need be!"