Last night Asphyxiation Pointers were lucky enough to be treated with a celebration, including beach yoga, mimosas, and cheesecake.   Aubrey Breister, of the Zen Den Spa, threw quite the party in honor of promoting a new manager, Zy, at her establishnment.  

The mood was festive and the guests had fun.  Local notables in attendance included Promisa De La Rosa, Att. Mark McSteamy, Officer Eli Vincente, Att. Eva Perry, Dr, Vixxen Foxchase,  Myra Lantash, and Chief Warwick Desanta.  Ms Breister hosted the party, but did not lead the yoga class.  We were happy to see her in attendance though, since she is recovering from a bizarre attack at Anderson's Bar during the St. Patrick's Day festivities.

The muscles were stretched and many refreshments were consumed.  Cocktails were provided by Fredrick's Restaurant, and delicious baked goods courtesy of Call Me Cupcake.

Reported by S.D. Miller

Last night the usual revelry at Anderson's was interrupted when a woman wearing a concealing head scarf entered with a gun, demanding the wallets of local patrons.

The gun wielding woman was eventually subdued by bar patron, John Littleton, already a hero volunteer firefighter here in AP.  During the confusion, local resident Promesa De La Rosa was shot in the foot by the would-be robber, losing a toe.   The digit was later reattached by the talented surgeons as Asphyxiation Point Hospital, and she is recovering.

The robbery and shooting suspect was later identified as Zoe Azaria.  She was arrested and taken into custody by the APPD, charged with Robbery and Assault with a Deadly Weapon.  Her trial will be pending in the AP District Court.

Reported by S.D. Miller

Yesterday afternoon things got very wet uptown.  Was it an errant fire hose or a wet t-shirt contest?  Well, we at the Times report...you decide.

Recently hired Fire Chief, Alysia Octavia, had a major mishap with her fire hose on Sunday.  It is unclear what her intentions were, training or perhaps watering the plants in the nearby square, as she was also unavailable for comment after the event.  

Water erupted from the hose with such force that thousands of gallons were wasted and it also damaged several local businesses.  Call Me Cupcake, the local bakery, Breathless Treasures Antiques, and the AP Courthouse suffered most of the damage, while Fredrick's Restaurant had only minor water exposure.  The bakery and shop were closed temporarily, but are open again and happily greeting customers.

While water was gushing from the errant hose, local lovelies, Aubrey Breister of the Zen Den Spa, and Myra Lantash of the previously mentioned Call Me Cupcake, made the best of the bad situation.  The ladies frolicked in the impromptu shower, much to the delight of nearby citizens.  Apparently, when life gives them lemons, these ladies make lemonade!   Chief Warwick Desanto was also on the scene, but I suppose he did not see any laws being broken and decided to stay and enjoy the show.  

This is the second incident of buildings in Uptown being damaged, following the fire at the AP Animal Hospital last week.  The beautiful places in town seem to suffer, while the bathrooms at the Last Chance remain untouched...and I mean that literally.

Reported by S.D. Miller

At approximately 5:30pm today, Asphxyiation Point Fire Department responded to a fire at Perry's Seafood warehouse. It took the brave firefighters (some of them shirtless) half an hour of axe swinging, messing up with the hoses and chasing each other around with those hoses before they managed to get the fire under control. But control it they did before the fire could spread.

On being asked to speculate as to the cause, firefighter Alysia Octavia had the following statement to make:
          "The fire was caused by what appears to be an accidental gas leak with old faulty pipes.  The gas ignited and the building caught fire quickly.  Luckily, the fire was contained within the building and was put out without any damage to surrounding areas".

We at the Times would like to once again take this opportunity to thank our brave firefighters for the wonderful job they do in ensuring the safety of the island and all that live on it. A slight increase in the training budget wouldn't hurt though.

Late Tuesday night, tragedy struck uptown, when a fire broke out at the Asphyxiation Point Animal Hospital.  There were no injuries reported, and no one was in the building at the time of the blaze. 

Dr. Vincent Rivero, the owner of the clinic, was devastated by the fire and loss, and was unavailable for comment.  The damage to the facility was estimated to be over $150,000.  Luckily, there were no animals or employees present when the fire broke out.

A crowd gathered outside the Aristocrat Club across the street, drawing the attention of several prominent AP citizens, including Aubrey Briester, owner of the Zen Den spa.  She is the good citizen that alerted the police and fire departments and was one of the first people on the scene.  Apparently she was questioned by the police immediately following the ordeal.  

Our town has Chief Warwick DeSanta and Lt Matt Starks to thank for stopping the fire from spreading to the next building.  They battled the flames heroically armed only with fire extinguishers and their bravery.  The fire department finally arrived to secure the scene, but only after the APPD had things well in hand.  

Neither the PD or the FD were available for comments on this case.  It remains unclear whether Dr. Rivero intends to rebuild his clinic...the pets of AP will be waiting to find out.


Reported By S.D. Miller

Celebration of St. Patrick's at Anderson seemed to become a Cannibals Buffet. Seems a local partier at the bar, enjoying the free drinks became over zealous when he attempted to 'eat' the female bartender. The Bartender identified as Aubrey Breister, suffered serious wounds upon her neck as she was rushed to the local Hospital. The attacker, Kira Yamagawa, was arrested.

Our local reporter Promesa De La Rosa was given an exclusive interview at the Jail. Mr. Yamagawa, who appears to have a very severe case of what sounds like Pernicious Anemia. This causes the need and desire for eating raw red meat due to the fact that acids in the stomach cause a deadly depletion of Iron. 

It is so deadly, that the individuals with this disease will die a painful death if they don't constantly replace that iron. Its effect are not physical alone, it causes major neurological issues, that drives the person to be unable to control the desires and need of the body to have blood from raw red meats. These cravings become uncontrollable as the brain leads away the inner desires of the body to replace the missing iron.

We hope that the police take into consideration the medical affliction of Mr. Yamagawa. 

Reported by Promesa De La Rosa

Robbery at Call Me Cupcake ended with a police shoot out and death of a man. Sources say a man attempted to rob the local bakery, Call Me Cupcake less then a week after the grand opening. Two women were involved, Call Me Cupcake owner, Myra Lantash, and new Assistant District Attorney, Evangeline Perry. Both women were taken in and later released with survivable injuries. Sergeant Charlotte Stark had a non life threatening bullet wound. Treated and Released. No comments have been made from the local Police about the shooting but the Assailant had taken Perry Hostage before he was shot and killed by police. Sources say it was a good kill. More information will be available as soon as a press release is given by the local Police. No baked goods were harmed.

Reported by Promesa De La Rosa

My clumsy sister and I were out wandering the town the other day and she fell.  This is nothing abnormal because Katya falls down a lot.  She's just clumsy like that.  Anyways, we managed to get her to the square and overheard a waitress call some man Doctor something or other.

So I asked this guy to come look at her ankle to see if she had broken anything.  He comes and caresses her and flirts and such...said he enjoyed examining such a nice ankle.  I am unsure of how ankles can be nicer than other ankles...that's an odd body part to admire.  

Here's the kicker, though.  Come to find out...this dude is a shrink.  He doesn't work on ankles...he works on the mind.  What the hell kind of mind doctor works on ankles too?

Anyways, just a word of warning to the community that there is a head doctor around these parts that seems to practice outside of his scope.  Especially if you have pretty ankles.

Reported by Jez Narcissist

Yesterday evening a Police Detective was attempting to serve a warrant on Asphyxiation Point Times Editor, Promisa De La Rosa.  According to De La Rosa, the Detective identified himself as representing a shipping company and attempted to gain entry to the paper's office and then her nearby apartment.   When she refused to open the door, things turned ugly.

The confrontation escalated further when De La Rose blocked the door with her body, and several witnesses gathered at the scene.  One of them being a close relative of this reporter.  The witness reported a man with a gun drawn arguing with someone behind a closed door. This man was later identified as Det.Montgomery Willard.   After several tense moments, he fired at the door, taking no precaution for the safety of Miss De La Rosa, let alone the many bystanders.  

The commotion subsided for a short time when a man on a motorcycle arrived and appeared to have a short consultation with Willard.  After speaking with Det. Willard, he then sped off on his bike.  And this man was identified as none other than suspended Police Chief Warrick Desanta.

Miss De La Rosa continued to deny the Detective entry to her home, as he had not properly identified himself yet by providing a badge or police ID.  After all,  who could blame her with a local rapist on the loose, and various other criminal elements being attracted to our town as of late.

After communicating through the door for a short time, De La Rosa suddenly emerged from the building in a panic only to be violently tackled by another officer who had just arrived on the scene, Off. Eli Vincente.  He was joined by Det. Willard and the two large men piled on top of the frightened woman.  A gun she carried for protection was discharged in the process.  De La Rosa was shot and taken to the hospital, where she is in stable but good condition.  Det. Warrick also suffered a minor injury during the scuffle.

Upon interviewing Officer Vincente the next day, he had this to say, "I apologize, but I am not authorized to speak to the press regarding ongoing investigations. A misplaced word can have a negative impact on the investigation."  I was also informed that the suspended Police Chief was 'out on vacation'.

The police seem to be secretive and defensive regarding this matter, and it goes deeper than 'no comment on an ongoing investigation'.   This reporter was threatened with a taser by a female officer for merely speaking to Officer Vincente outside the station today.

There is more to this story...and when we dig it up, you'll read it in the APTimes.  

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