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Call today at 123-FIX-IT-FELIX and we will send one of our technicians out to your apartment, or your current location! That's right, we'll come to you! At J-R Enterprises we guarantee that if we can't fix it, you don't pay! T&Cs apply. What are you waiting for? Call us at 123-FIX-IT-FELIX NOW! 
​
((Send an IM to jimmyjr73 resident for details and/or RP))

*The familiar static crackle as the television settles in on AP Local 68 News. It starts off with a discussion with the familiar face of Raymond Wages on one side and the severe-faced Legal correspondent, Mary-Ann Ratering, on the other side.*

Mary-Ann: "Well it's quite simple dear boy, the salvage crews want to have the wreckage of those houses labeled as Maritime Salvage under Admiralty Law and get paid by the insurance companies for whatever they bring up from the depths.  The Insurance companies, naturally want it postponed till they can do a cost benefit analysis and determine if paying to retrieve the salvage from the wreckage is of benefit to them before agreeing to Pay salvage finds or merely write off any claims they may currently have and force the salvage crews to fend for themselves on selling whatever they get."  *She smiles lightly, just at the corners of her lips and steeples her fingers before her chin*  "The problem is, the salvage crews are still pulling up bits of artwork and so on from the wreckage every day, and the Coast guard and state have yet to even inspect the area for what manner of damage debris or clean up can be done.  They slip in under the nets and take whatever they can and then expect to be paid for it. It's nearly delightful the possibilities of how many may be opening themselves to illegal salvage or theft lawsuits."

Raymond: "So for the time being trying to buy back the antique chest or grandma's ashes from a salvage person would result in potential legal troubles?"

Mary-Ann:  "Of course dear boy, currently all that insured material filed as lost is owned by the insurance companies, it'd be just the same as if you paid someone for a Ferrari that they stole out of someone's driveway.  Receipt of stolen property and all that dear boy."

Raymond: "Well I guess those who are being offered a chance to buy back their belongings should keep that in mind before hitting up chadslist."  *He adjusts his papers and Flashes a smile.*  "As always thank you for your insight and Hopefully they can get this all sorted out soon."  *The Screen swipes back to just Raymond at the News desk as he turns to face Center camera*

Raymond: "Ariana Bening is out today, so lets turn to Wilbert Woods with what we hope is some good weather news whether you are hitting the beach or going diving for Sunken treasure.  Wil?"

*The camera Zooms in on Wilbert as he stands n front of the Radar map indicating several pressure systems moving through the area.  If one looks close they can see one of them is Labeled "Yo  Momma"*

Wilbert: "Thank you Ray. As you can see here on Live Cobra Radar we had Fog move in this morning chilling things a bit, and if you were up early enough you would have heard the Foghorns going off."  *A brief display behind him of a Animated Wilbert Blowing his nose all Loony Tunes Style*  "That fog will disappear early and temperature will rise into the Upper Sixties, though scattered cloudiness all through the Afternoon will keep temperatures from rising too far.  As you can see several storm clouds will slip on in over the nighttime hours taking the Temperature down into the Upper Fifties.  Light winds and scattered Showers last all through the night. Those Showers linger into tomorrow, Intensifying a bit as several scattered thunderstorms will be appearing.  The high pressure system pushes this Warm front into the area and we may see some temperatures in the Upper Seventies by the afternoon hours.  Fog Rolls back in tomorrow night."  *The Screen indicates the source of the Fog is another animated Wilbert bent over releasing farts into the air*

Wilbert:  "As the Fog rolls in, the Thunder will roll on out, and the temperature lingers in the Mid Sixties till Saturday.  Saturday light showers will pop up here and there but nothing severe, once the Fog clears out before noon the temperature rises swiftly back up to the Mid to Upper Seventies around the afternoon hours - heating things up considerably.  Occasional clouds and light winds will keep it there till nighttime, when a cold front will move back into the area and the temperatures will plummet once more into the Mid Fifties over Saturday night.  At the start of Sunday, Sunshine and Clouds start off early as the Fog Rolls out shortly after sunup.  Staying that way and getting back into the high Seventies in the afternoon.  Sunday Evening Clouds thicken and we get some more scattered showers early, these may become thunderstorms later on after midnight going into Monday. The Temperature lingering in the High Sixties.  So all in all a good weekend to go out and enjoy the warm weather, but make sure you bring a umbrella just in case."

Raymond: "Thanks Wil, Sounds like it'll be a nice, warm weekend for pretty much anything."  *He turns back to the main camera*  "Speaking of Anything this weekend, the National prescription Drug take-back day is set up for this Saturday from Ten Am to Five PM at the local Police and Fire departments in the bay Area.  Drop boxes will be placed in the lobbies of those facilities for disposal of unused, expired or other medications that have been sitting in their cabinets.  If you are unable to get to these facilities, both departments will be taking calls for Volunteers and officers of either department to come by and pick them up from your home on Sunday.  Please call early on Saturday after Ten and noon to schedule the time for pickup on Sunday."

Raymond: "For those of you who have a long Commute around the far side of Loop road to get back to the Ferry terminal due to the rock-slide that occurred during the recent weather problems.  Dean Knopinski is in the Field where work Crews are working to Dislodge the Tons of Mud and Rocks from the Main byway to re-open it for traffic.  Dean?"

*The Screen cuts to Dean wearing a Orange vest and yellow helmet standing by some flashing construction barricades. behind him several bulldozers and Diggers are working to Dislodge what looks like a brown avalanche that swallowed the Roadway.  other Crews seem to be Erecting Restraining walls and fences on this side to keep more of the Hillside from Collapsing*

Dean:  "Thank you Raymond. As you can see this main byway to get from The Northwest part of the Island around to the Ferry terminal has been blocked by a great deal of Rubble.  Crews have been working to Clear it out and secure what remains for Days now to re-open this vital byway.  Currently with this route closed those looking to get to the main Southern Terminal have to go halfway around the entire island back to the East and then Through several townships.  They Don't yet have a ETA on completion yet, but Many of the workers remain optimistic ~BLEEP~" *As his eyes go wide and his comment cuts out. *

*With an Audible "SPROIIING!"  The Chain-link Restraining fence they are putting in falls off a stack of several of them and Bounds off the Top of a Bulldozer and Seems to Unfurl like a Spring...The Entire Mass of metal coiled wire landing atop Dean and Knocking him over.  his Microphone dropped so you can't hear whatever he's saying,though from his face it's clear it's not too nice, As he thrashes against the metal and Slips off to the side...The Steep hill rolling down to the Seashore as he goes rolling like a Wrapped barrel bouncing off the hillside and disappearing from view, The Camera Cuts back to The main newsdesk*

Raymond: "Ahem...I'm sure he'll be alright.  Hopefully they'll have that roadway opened up soon, traffic earlier I hear was horrible. "  *Another adjustment of his papers and he turns to The Second camera*

Raymond: "Coming up after the break, It's tourist season and that means Debit card Fraud is back on the ride at local businesses and facilities.  Kaylynn Garcia has a special expose on what to look out for to keep your information safe.  And do you have a Scuba license?  Do you want one?  Sign up for the Harbor Cleanup Auxiliary patrol and they will get your Scuba Certification at a discount provided you put in so many hours of helping Professional Coast guard divers clean up rubble that found it's way into the ocean.  Jeannie Webb has that Exclusive on where you can go to sign up and get certified.  All that and more after these messages."

~Cuts to Commercials~

Hey Bro,

You're really the answer to my prayers. I have to admit I am not a man, I do not have a penis, but please do not discriminate me because of that. I have a huge problem with the likes of you and nobody to ask, ok? So thing is... my things, my monthly date, my period, menstruations. There, I said it. It's a bloody issue! Every time I talk about that with my man he seems to be uneasy, he acts like I am talking about something dirty, but during *those days* I am extremely horny and I would just like to be bent over and, yanno, that stuff. How can I let him know? Dunno, must be that I am also extremely emotional, every time I start talking about it I sob uncontrollably and he just looks at me like I come straight from another planet. Help me, Bro!

Bloody Desperate Housewife

--

Dear Bloody Desperate Housewife
  
You bring up some interesting points, You do understand that we are guys right?  We damn near stick our man parts into anything that still has life in it and even some things that don't - like blow up dolls. We do, however, draw a line at crying, screaming , and irrational female BS at that time of the month. It's a little blood; it can be washed off, The other parts that go along with it can't be easily overlooked. So if you want your man to bend you over like the wanton tramp that you crave to be, head to the porn shop and buy a ball gag and keep it in your mouth for three days, Not only will you get more then you can handle from the Bro, all your neighbors and friends will shower him with gifts for making the world and AP a better, quieter place.
  
Sincerely The Bro that Knows

Editors Note: Just like with our 'Tell Z" column, the views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the Times itself or any of its other staff.

((OOC: If you would prefer a man's take on relationship advice, please send a notecard directly in world to Miller Time (cowboyJas).))

Es jur life too busy and full of fun to theenk about a doing the deeshes or scrubbeen the floor? Are ju too tired after a long day's work to make a homecooked meal? Dun worry about it...and call the Housekeeping Angel! She will take care of everytheen ju need! 

Contact AngelFuentes ((AngelFuentes Resident)) for a list of full services offered and to book jur housekeeping today!

​By Chloe Voss

​I find myself once more outside the courthouse in the growing beauty of a spring afternoon. My intent this day is to speak with Mr. Martinho Larsson. 

Mr. Larsson is a defense attorney for the court and I was keen to get to know him better as well as understand some of the professional regard that attorneys and lawyers seem to hold for each other. 

Having been introduced at Mr. Larsson’s office door by his personal assistant, we shared pleasantries and he offered some refreshment which I was not about to turn down. Spring it may be, but the heat in the air is signaling the approach of summer. With small talk aside I was keen to understand Mr. Larsson and asked if he would share some details of his past. 

Martinho Larsson -  "My past wow!... I've got a long past how long have you got, do I need to order food in?"

The brief humor is wonderful and the atmosphere to our interview lightens with its enjoyment.

Martinho Larsson - "Well most recently I was a Police Sergeant... life kind of got a bit boring there and I felt I needed a new challenge. I came here to help a friend out and I thought this seemed like a really nice town with real friendly people a real community spirit about it, a world apart from where I was so though, I was lucky to be able to rent a house quickly here so decided I’d just stay on here and take up a career change"

About this time Mr. Larsson's assistant returns and brings ice water with her. The refreshment gives me some time to ponder on all that has been shared even in such a short space. Wishing to clarify his change of vocation I ask a simple question, "Do you miss it? Being a police Sergeant?"

Martinho Larsson - "I do miss it in some ways yes... As a Sergeant it was all about going round town making a difference to people's lives. Upholding law and order in a town where it was badly needed, it was hugely satisfying and I guess I do miss it. That said though it's so difficult to come to a new town and try and start over again from scratch, a change did feel right as well and [I] still now get that huge satisfaction knowing I can help my clients live the lives they choose to live"

Now I confess, coming to Mr. Larsson I had a specific question in mind to ask him about what it is like to work within the court system. Not about his clients but more about his peers. Courtroom dramas can be very intense as both sides present their arguments and words are exchanged. Unless someone has witnessed court drama it is difficult to describe, and I was grateful that Mr. Larsson seemed to understand intuitively as I fumbled about transitioning from understand how he helps the community to how he is able to do so in conjunction with those he must occasionally contend with. In short, how does an attorney or lawyer keep the professional from bleeding into the personal?

Martinho Larsson – “Well I’ll be honest I’ve not had many other dealings with them to date but the brief dealings I’ve had have all been pleasant. If anything I have more dealings with the Police Department here, and as I always tell them or another Attorney, it's just business it's never personal whatever gets said or whatever happens it's just business and we're all just trying to do our jobs at the end of the day right? As for separating my personal life from my professional life…”

Mr. Larsson is about to surprise me with his next words, certainly not ones I expected based on first impressions.

Martinho Larsson – “I don't have a personal life, I have more clients than I do friends and it's fair to say the work-life swing tilts firmly on the side of work, this office is like my home.” 

Reporters have a terrible need to pry so I asked further, "Nothing at all on the outside, even charity work or social contributions for the office?"

Martinho Larsson - "I've not really been in [this] office for too long actually, my initial goal was to get in office, establish myself and work my butt off to build up a client list which has gone well so far but yes it's fair to say there's more to come from me, I always do enjoy doing my bit for charity helping a good cause you can't beat the feeling, I just need to shut down my laptop every now and then!"

Mr. Larsson’s commitment to his clients and his drive to aid the community is apparent. The expression of heart felt desire to aid others is clear in his tone. The generosity he has shown with his candor in this interview is only further illustrated by the example he offers-  

Martinho Larsson - "Actually Miss Voss, one such case I can talk about, as it's all over with now, but a client of mine, a Miss Xelan Morgath had a few charges against her and it's actually the recent hurricane which helped to bring out the very best in her… She actually went above and beyond the required expectations [helping the clean-up effort]. As I said earlier it does warm the heart when our very own citizens can all pull together throughout a horrific time and Xelan led by example throughout, a real asset to the community…”

I recalled with Mr. Larsson seeing the photographs that our very own Times had published in regard to Miss Morgath’s hard work and assistance with the clean-up. I commended him in his faith in the human spirit and being available to help those that need support. The opportunity came about then to ask about how the members of the court may have supported each other during the recent crisis when our District Attorney went missing, "Do you ever feel exposed in this job, with all you do? Was it a concern of yours as her associate that it was something that could affect you personally?" 

Martinho Larsson - "Of course it's concerning. See Eva, sorry Miss Perry is one of this town's celebrities. Not through reality TV or for doing something on YouTube and getting famous for five minutes. Miss Perry is a celebrity through her hard work building the reputation she has. Miss Perry is exceptional at her job and what she does has an even bigger impact on the lives of people so it's natural her judgment and her decisions will upset people and ruffle feathers at times. Of course none of us are safe from those where a decision may not favor them but as I said we're all just doing our jobs. You just have to keep your wits about and look out for each other if you can. I always like to think of the wonderful community spirit in town but I also know there's a few wrongun's out there as well who cross the line, but I guess it comes with the territory with the nature of the job"
 
I agreed with a summation that the court was a kin to an extended family. Questions such as these can be hard to answer and I took time to thank Mr. Larsson for his insights. Afterward we shared some conversation on lighter topics, my turn to play the gossip once more, “You mentioned you have been working to build up a portfolio of clients but are there plans already for the long-term future? Ambitions that you wouldn't mind sharing?"

Martinho Larsson - "Perfectly fine, nothing intrusive at all... I just hope I haven't bored you." (I interject to comment here that my time with Mr. Larsson was hardly boring), "Long-term, well… I like to take this town one day at a time you never know what you're going to face each day. Long-term I guess I’d like to have worked my way up to the same kind of respect Miss Perry commands from the town, everybody knows her and I want to be known as the go-to lawyer…"

Naturally I had to press for more, "Nothing at all in your spare time? Hobbies, movies, settling on the beach and watching the sunset?" 

Martinho Larsson - “Well in my spare time, whenever that is, I do like to frequent The Aristocrat club and enjoy a few whiskeys.  I'm a big sports fan, football in particular but you guys always call it soccer! Poker's something I do enjoy and I can't wait for the casino to open up, I might get a social life then!"

Alas the interview had run its course and as I thanked Mr. Larsson for his time I also asked if there was a parting comment, motto, or perhaps anything at all he'd like to share. 

Martinho Larsson - "Well if you do ever get into trouble… my office is always open for advice. If any of your readers need a lawyer I do offer a free consultation, no case is too big, and no case is too small, and I also operate on a no-win no-fee basis subject to T's&C's of course."

Mr. Larsson has the community at heart as he tirelessly works within our court system. The citizens of Asphyxiation Point may rest easy knowing the caliber of the professionals who work as Attorneys and Lawyers. We certainly wish him well with his endeavors to fulfill his stated goals.

Dear Z,

I wonder how my life got so crazy.  I mean I know how it started, boozing and drugging and waking up on the end of a ferry line I don’t remember getting on in the first place.  But I thought I’d found the perfect, idyllic sleepy little town to start over in.  I made a start, too, found some old guy that can’t get it up, but likes to pretend he can that would bankroll a new business in return for being able to see my tits once in a while.

It turns out, however, that this seaside ‘paradise’ isn’t a safe harbor, but a cesspool of bottom feeders. I’ve been shot at, kidnapped and beaten up, and I found myself almost shooting a cop! My boyfriend whispers sweet nothings in my ear in private and in public he says things like “Get me a beer, bitch.”  Well in private he still makes me get him a beer, but he is nicer about it. I think his ex has moved in with us, on my suggestion maybe even, and he owns a hooker he bought from her brother of all people who is pregnant with twins, from what sounds like a schizophrenic Russian. So, you wonder, am I asking for advice on how to fix any of that?  No, what I am asking is, should I be worried that I am having so much damn fun?

Signed,

Adrenaline Junkie.

--

Dear Adrenaline Junkie,

I confess I am jealous. I have been living here for almost a year now and I don't even have a lover, let alone a boyfriend, and I am pretty sure even if I had one, he wouldn't be as interesting as to own a hooker (his personal one? or does he put her to work? does she keep your house clean at least?) and co-live with me and his ex - an ex I like enough to be wanting to share my place and my man with! I might do without the beating and the cop shooting, tho, but do you happen to have a spare room for a boring woman that barely gets out of home? That would be me. Oh, until the twins start screaming at night, anyway, cos that's when I will take my leave.

Yours Truly,

Z.

((OOC: Do you have a problem or need advice and don't know where to turn? Simply contact Zehena by dropping her a notecard in-world.))

​Arts and Culture Commentary By Amata Dawson

It was raining talent, not gnomes, at the Spring Fling karaoke event Sunday evening. Every singer hit the mark, from newly crowned Miss AP Kayla Calhern's opening Chipmunks tune that probably wasn't the one with Luda, to Phedre Dumouriez's encore that wasn't that song about killing Earl. 

Highlights included Lynn Zero being Sorry; a woman named Hailey imagining Demons; Phedre making it through the night; Dead Eva Perry all Toxic; the new dispensary guy being Elvis; and Times reporter Nick air-spanking to Sir Mix-a-Lot.

But wait, there's more. Prom Queen Amaya sang "You Don't Own Me;" Hunter was head banging out a Skid Row classic; and Malcolm Loon was simply she-banging.  

The grand finale included Rubie, who brought down the house with "It's Raining Men." But it was Times editor Phedre who made a repeat visit to the stage to close out Spring Fling with "Better Things to Do."

DJ Sav, of Club Climax, was Master of Ceremonies and every bit as good as the funnel cakes that should have been served at the carnival. Maybe next year, Spring Fling organizers, maybe next year. 

Castle Casino will be opening its doors April 30th. We are seeking to fill positions prior to the grand opening. 

Seeking Hourly Staff (All Shifts available):
- Dealers 
- Cashiers
- Bartenders
- Security
- Event Hosts
- Floor Managers 

Dress Code will be strictly enforced for staff and guests. 

Due to the construction crews still working around the casino: Contact Isaac Shaw directly with questions or to apply for any of the above positions at 555-6723 (xander.rallier)

By Song Yheng

​((Article forthcoming))