In today's day and age we all suffer from depression. Life is tough, and with so much temptation, it's often hard to make the right choices.

But you don't have to face these decisions alone! There is a professional who's just waiting to help you get through those tough moments and lead you to the right choice.
​
Like a good condom, Dr. Coletti has you covered!  

(Coverage for problems only applies if payments are met in full)

​For more information, call 555-656-5252 or stop by Dr. Coletti's office at the AP Hospital.

By Loose Lips Diva

Just like a Movie

The famous Adelle might love to write a song about this next little gem about you.  Seems there is a not so local girl that likes to work on certain street corners.  Rumor has it shes affordable, dirty, and has few limits if any.  What makes this juicy gossip???  Seems if you were to look in that same girls bag you would find an assorted collection of the classics.  A hooker who likes to read?  How knew?  All the best to you honey but this girl says Dickens and Shakespeare aren't going to help you get those legs any higher!!  

Is that a gun or are you just happy?

Seems a certain young man with a love of junk cars has attracted some unwanted attention.  A local male cop has been seen stopping this young man twice in the past 2 weeks.  Now we have no idea what these traffic violations were for, there was a quick exchange of papers and then the officer quickly left without writing a ticket both times. Does this officer simply have his eye on the sexy little mechanic or perhaps love notes are being exchanged!!  Why officer Sexy...........way to use your badge, now lets see you use those cuff, growl!

Now this has to be said cause its just too juicy to keep to myself!  Seems main has inherited its own sexy cowboy and we can all see him down at Anderson's behind the bar.  Its said hes retired from the rodeo, and trust me girls he looks like a bronco worth riding...............my only fear??????  What if hes an 8 second man!

Uptown Girl

Last but not least i thought we would leave you with one more tidbit on a doctor we spoke of last week.  Seems the high and mighty miss designer suits was seen out of her uptown world and slumming on the other side of the tracks.  Was she seeking off to see that young boy with the blue eyes again???  NO!!  This time the doctor was seen heading into the Red Room.  Though it was clearly seen her using a napkin to open the door, and again when she was leaving, she still spent a great deal of time behind close doors.  Tsk Tsk Tsk Doc, perhaps you should start practicing what you preach!

​That's it for now - see you the next time! 

Dear Z,

Im in a dilemma. 
I like my neighbours steak and I've already had a chance to taste just how thick and juicy his meat is but you see, Im also being stuffed full of meat at home.
Is it ok to crave someone else's bbq even though the sausage is quite filling in your own kitchen?

Meat lover

--

Dear Meat lover,

I can't really relate because I don't get to eat a lot of meat recently. There was a guy with the juiciest meat ever but, well it's a long story and I drooled over it for too long, and I personally settled with homemade fingers, so to say. I do believe in variety! And I believe you should get more and more stuffed with your neighbor's delicacies, but for the sake of manners, do not be selfish and share your kitchen's sausage with his family as well.

Yours Truly,

Z

​Hello AP! This is your newest reporter, coming at you as live as I can from a newspaper. As those who know, and can be seen from the pic above, I am not your typical woman. Now, I know you’re wondering: why am I reading this and why do I care who this chick is? Well, it was probably the photo included as the header, maybe. I am not here to give advice or take it from you. I am here to be me and offer some insight into the folks around town and their dealings. I will try to be as up front as I can be. I will be blunt and to the point, but I hope to add some humor and excitement to this town. I wanted to start off with an introduction to myself: hello AP, I am Nicoletta Dirval, otherwise known as Nikki Suicide. Yes, I have tattoos. Yes, I have piercings, and no you can’t see all of them, unless you buy me a drink or two ;)

Well AP, what do you want to know? I can tell you I am of mixed Russian and Sicilian ethnicity, I like to show off in front of a camera, clothed and nude, I like to drink, I like to shoot guns, and I like sex. I am a woman standing here, not asking for your acceptance, but telling you to accept me as I am. This is what led me to becoming a reporter, here in AP. I want to be able to offer a different insight to the world around you, such as some info on tattoos, piercings, local shops that may cater to needs that you are curious about. We will have fun, and it will be together. I hope you will be able to learn something in the end.

​Help wanted: Seeking personal assistant.  Must be good at short hand, long hours, have basic computer skills, and willing to travel.  Duties will include transcribing notes, setting up therapy sessions for patients, and answering phones, as well as processing patients payments.  Please drop your resume or apply in person by visiting Dr Isabella Coletti , 2nd floor of APH.

​Dear Editor, (or to whoever is acting in her stead!)

     I am writing today to express to you my concern for what you claim to be a newspaper and the public it is directed at.
     
     Considering the recent situation of your Editor, I dare say I am not surprised to see the Times writing such vicious trash and lies about some of our pillars of the community.  What surprises me the most is - with the amount of actual news going on around the Island - the lies your staff feel the need to print instead.  I order you to recant your pathetic attempt at trashing my reputation or you will be speaking to my lawyers come Monday morning... and I doubt the Times could use yet another law suit on its hands.

The Doctor on the Dock

*The familiar static crackle as the channel changes to AP local Ch. 68. Asphyxiation Point’s local source for what’s happening in the area and sometimes the nation at large. The camera comes up on Kaylynn Garcia wearing her outdoors on site jacket with microphone standing at the familiar backdrop of the marina.*

Kaylynn: “Local officials and the department of utilities hopes to not only set up the public building utilities to run off solar panels over the next three years, but also set up electric car charging stations that run off the same source starting here at the marina, and eventually spreading to all locations in the bay area.  Some have stated their eventual goal is to get rid of all non-industrial vehicle use for gasoline and move to a completely electric car infrastructure. Though he assured us that this would not hamper industrial, commercial or safety vehicles which need the extra power. So don’t be surprised if you start seeing little gray towers with signs resembling electrical outlets with wheels popping up all over the Bay Area.  Reporting from Northeast harbor marina, this has been me, Kaylynn!”

*The camera cuts back to the studio with Ariana Bening sitting at the news desk, wearing a black top and skirt, as usual low cut in the front and seeming to just hug on her generous curves. Sitting next to her at the news desk is Jeannie Webb wearing a similarly colored top with thin straps showing off her shoulders and neck but not advertising her smaller chest. Pinned to one side of her top is a small silver pin resembling a cheerleader with the local school colors.*

Ariana: “Thank you Kaylynn, Looks like they are going to start pushing us all towards driving Volts or Teslas in the near future.”

Jeannie: *Laughing* “At least they aren’t making us drive a Fiat or one of those tiny Smrt Cars that run off three golf cart batteries Ari. Try and fit my legs in one of those and I’ll be resting my chin on my knees!”

*The woman laughs a bit more and Ari smiles wryly, glancing down at her chest knowing it probably wouldn’t be her chin resting on her own knees*

Ariana: “Indeed.  Now in local happenings, the various communities around the bay area continue to vote on petitions for a moratorium on commercial and medicinal marijuana sales.  Portland is the latest city in the state that has voted to enact a six month moratorium, which will delay the opening of any new stores, cultivation facilities, testing facilities or social clubs that dispense marijuana for recreational and medicinal use. As well as cause the closing of current facilities with their goods held in custody for the period while the local city establishes and votes on various regulations for medical and recreational sales. The first of which are to be submitted no later than six months from now. The moratorium may be extended in six month intervals until the council is satisfied they have a working set of regulations which will be evaluated six months after, when, and if the regulations are finished being submitted to the council’s satisfaction.”

Jeannie: “Portland City councilors took less than five minutes to vote on the measure. There was no public comment and no discussion among councilors.  Other communities such as Brunswick, Boothbay, Liberty, Palmyra, Great Pond, Lincolnville, Camden, Rockland, Blue Hill, South Harbor, Swans Island and Cutler have all voted on similar measures and have passed the moratorium so far.  Numerous other communities have it on their council petition, or agenda to have votes on similar implementations coming up soon.  Asphyxiation Point itself has it scheduled for the council to vote to enact at their First full caucus meeting on February 6th.  At this time no discussion or depositions from the local community has been requested for this vote.”

Ariana: “Some people are claiming that this is an opportunistic move to de-legalize the recreational sales without actually making it illegal again.  Others have gone on record of saying that it seems certain advocacy groups are attempting to take advantage of the current political climate to push through an agenda of their own while nobody is looking. Those in support of the moratorium claim that they think the idea of selling marijuana was rushed into and not fully thought out and it’s a wise thing to pause and look at how it’s going and change those little things that need fixed. At this point it’s anyone’s guess what the final outcome will be.”

Jeannie: “Wilbert Woods has a look at this weekend weather and what we can expect from mama Nature in the coming week. Wil, what do you have for us?”

*The camera cuts to Wilbert Woods standing in front of the radar map showing light cloud cover over the region with the sweeping bar of the radar array slowly making it’s way clockwise around the area.*

Wilbert: “Thanks Jeannie, and I have to say, I see your pin there and hope you let all the girls down at the Big East competition know we’re rooting for them today.”

*He smiles and turns to face the camera directly.*

Wilbert: “The Big East Cheer Camp and Championship competition this weekend is indoors they could have it outdoors, at least temperature wise.  Today we have light winds and mostly cloudy skies, but a high of Forty two degrees.  Those clouds clear out as night comes in and we reach a low of only thirty.  Sunday, Light clouds intermittent in the morning, thickening up in the afternoon the high reaching about forty again, no rain is expected just those heavy clouds covering the sky with winds light in the middle teens.  The low overnight should drop down to only twenty-five degrees.”

*The screen behind him shows the daily chart forecast showing Saturday, Sunday, as well as Monday through Thursday with the temperatures and conditions indicated.*

Wilbert: “Monday is when Winter seems to have returned with a vengeance. The high only being Thirty degrees, Overcast, heavy clouds. High winds picking up during the day with intermittent rain during the daylight hours.  Going into the evening expect higher wind gusting up to forty miles per hour and freezing rain starting out light but getting more intense after the sun sets.  The temperature won’t drop below Twenty Nine, but with the high winds that will feel like it’s in the low teens.   That rain and high wind lingers on into Tuesday, though the temperature raises back up into the high thirties and should reach as high as forty.  Wind advisory is still in effect as the rain continues to fall well into the sunset hours.”

Wilbert: “Thankfully those showers should start drying out early Wednesday after sunrise and the entire cloud cover will disperse by the afternoon, temperatures in the high thirties, only a intermittent cloud here and there to hide the sun.  Thursday we are back to intermittent clouds and sun with the winds back to being light and variable and a temperature in the high thirties.  “

Ariana: “Sounds like a nice reprieve after that horrible winter blast early in the week Wil.”

*She turns and faces central camera*

AP Police have no leads after the AP Times office was broken into yesterday evening. 

The crime was discovered by staff and a guest after-hours. No items were reported missing, but the office will require a major deep-clean after garbage and slime from trash bins in the back alley outside of the building was strewn around inside. 

Due to the nature of the damage, the APPD states that the crime looked "a little more than your average burglary." 

Anyone with any additional information is asked to contact Officer Amanda Novak. 

​Ms. More-Comfortable-In-Cargo-Shorts, seeks an escort to social entanglements... err engagements. Respondent should be male, mid-20's to late 30's, and capable of dressing both appropriately and, more importantly, inappropriately. 

You? Be shameless. Bonus points for goofy in a charming, rather than wincing, way. Be Roguish. Be geeky. Be entertaining to a woman of simple tastes and a base sense of humor. Be comfortable lurking in corners away from the action but prepared to regale members of the upper echelon of Asphyxiation Point, distracting them from your companion.

No expectations other than to give the Lady in question a Plus One to various events requiring her presence. In fact, she can guarantee you won't get laid. Are you Bored enough to offer your assistance? Interested respondents should send an email with the subject line "Knight in shining __(fill in the blank)__" to NeedanArm@sl.com. Creative Content encouraged.

​((Not a real address - Send a Notecard with response emails to WickedEGrin)).

By Loose Lips Diva 
  
Bad Case   
Now I'm never one to gossip, but... I've been checking in around town and am here to report the REAL news... The stuff you REALLY want to hear!  This week has been interesting for everyone around town, it seems.  A certain man, who shall remain nameless, but who was recently brought up on shooting charges has lately moved out of his ex-wife's home and down to the docks.  Rumor has it that the separation is only  temporary, but I know that the good doctor was stopped by the cops the other night down by the docks while waiting for the ferry.  The doctor was dressed to kill in something less then professional and it's said that there was a man much younger then her husband sitting in the front seat of that car when the two were stopped.  Doctor Doctor give me the news... you've got a bad case of loving... who?  And is this man the reason the good doctor was seen half clothed in bed sheets walking home the other morning???

Hold the Press
In other news this week... a certain editor and chief of this paper is reported to be on 'leave with pay'.  Now, not wanting to bite the hand that feeds me, I won't say much, except that it would seem that my fellow colleague hasn't learned to use the mighty pen as much as she does her mouth!  Has the Editor been given leave in order to keep the paper away from bad press?  Or is she receiving some support we don't know about in order to keep certain other people out of the news??  

Another Monica?
Now, as I'm never one to turn down a good set of cuffs, it's hard for me to point any fingers about this next piece... especially with them behind my back... but I feel that I must warn my readers nonetheless.  A certain district attorney - who is supposed to be keeping people out of cuffs – may be spending her nights getting into them instead!  Seems a certain female of the legal nature has been spending her time down at The Aristocrat.  Known to have a wild past and an eye for the kink, I'd make sure you wash your hands REALLY well before accepting any of her cigars for a case won!

How About a cold One?
I must leave you all for another week, but before I do, I want to pass along one last tidbit that is simply too sweet not to share.  Local authorities were seen around the hospital the other night arguing with a certain staff member of Greasy's Diner.  Said staff member was very concerned over a body that the hospital has been keeping.  What is going on down in that morgue with the 'panty-less wonder' Chief of Staff?  I don't know about you, but I think she may be looking for something more then the cold stiff ones that Anderson's provides!

Until the next time!

Loose Lips Diva