Proximity to the ocean is boon and a bane. On the weekend of June 27nd, it turned out to be a bane.

A couple of days prior to what would have otherwise been a lovely weekend, the NOAA reported that a rare combination of the summer solstice and lunar perigee would lead to abnormally high tides Saturday evening and their predictions were right.

The damage was certainly not as bad as the hurricane which had hit Asphxyiation Point but a couple of months ago. The water did not even reach the lowest of streets. But what it did do was flood the lower levels of the Police Precinct.

The Police Department was quick to evacuate. Luckily the prison was unoccupied at the time. For the time being, the AP District Court is being used as a  temporary base. But there is no word about holding facilities yet.

The safety inspection today morning revealed that the building is unsafe... yes unsafe... Until necessary renovations can be completed. The PD took a more serious hit from the flooding during the hurricane than was originally anticipated.

The APPD had the following statement to make :

As you already know, the PD has moved their Operational base to the AP Courthouse while renovation work is in progress. We expect to be back on Wednesday.

    Police services will be impaired during this period and residents are asked to only contact us only in case of emergencies and have patience in relation to ongoing inquiries. Patrols will continue as usual and 911 Emergency Services are unaffected by the disruption. Alternative arrangements for the detention of prisoners are being.

We at the AP times will continue monitoring the situation and bringing you the latest news. Renovation work seems to be well underway and back to business as usual on Wednesday may not be a pipe dream after all.

Reported by Anonymous

This past weekend, Asphyxiation Point had its first Movie Night, featuring the blockbuster hit Kingsman, starring Colin Firth, Taron Egerton, Samuel L Jackson and Michael Caine.

Folks filled the theater to enjoy the action-packed feature together in a lively gathering that was much more than a simple Sunday Matinee. Friends and neighbors laughed, cheered and carried on in good fun. And there was more than a fair share of annoying comments, ass grabbing and the like as well. And when it was all over, loud appreciation was shown by all.

The Asphyxiation Theater looks forward to hosting another movie night very soon!

Reported by Anonymous

For all those who have had to go to the mainland to get your badly-needed prescriptions, we have some fantastic news!

APharmacy has now opened in uptown Asphyxiation Point. We have all the newest as well as everyday prescription and over-the-counter medications, along with a selection of snacks, drinks and those staples you just don't want to go across town for! We do not, however, sell cigarette or tobacco products.

Transfer your prescriptions now for a free toaster!

Thanks to our connection with AP Hospital, your prescriptions can be automatically transmitted, saving you the time and hassle of bringing them in yourself.

We take all major insurance, and all major credit cards.

Stop by and see us today!

We must say one thing. Asphyxiation Point Residents sure know how to throw one heck of a party. Just weeks after a grand gala was thrown in honor of our own Dean Anderson's birthday, Mr. Anderson decided to turn around and treat the town to a party of his own ! And what a party it was.

The bar was sanded, sunned and ready for fun! The DJ of the night was none other than our lovely Dr. Capelo and spun out summer tunes half the night. And then of course there was the booze. An Anderson's party is not an Anderson's party without copious amounts of alcohol after all. Quite a few people were reported going home drunk. Luckily for everyone, the island is small enough to walk around in. No DUI tickets were handed out this night and everyone made it home safe.

Reported by Anonymous

Yes that's right folks ! It's finally happened. One of our long term residents Stubby McCaw has finally found a bride. While it is unclear how he managed to accomplish said feat, Stubby McCaw and and Elle Zellin were joined together in Holy Matrimony at 5:15pm SLT 06/21/2015.

The wedding was not without incident of course. The wedding was originally scheduled for 4pm but our handsome groom was held up. Things were dicey for a bit but Stubby McCaw looking in true hollowood style finally stepped into the church looking like a drowned rat!

We at the AP times wish the happy couple all the very best. The wedding was very well received by the Asphyxiation Point Community. The women of AP seemed especially happy for some inexplicable reason. Perhaps having a family (and yes a child is well under way !) will finally convince Mr. McCaw to settle down for a change.

Reported by Anonymous

This Just In From The Tipline.

As you may or may not have been aware, dear readers, there is a 100% Anonymous Tip Line that the AP Times provides you to get information out to the people. Whether it be some juicy gossip, the exciting events of your day, or just something you want to warn people about… we are here for you, day or night. 

And while the tips to the line have been sparse lately, we recently received one that may just strike fear in to your heart. Just the other day someone called in to advise us that there was a woman Uptown who had been raped- not once, but twice by the very same man.

Supposedly, her home was broken into. After she was violated, she reported the assault to the police where she was subsequently taken to the hospital. By the time she had been released and made her way home, this same criminal who had broken into her home the first time came back to teach her a sort of lesson… 

While the AP Times has not yet had any confirmation of anything in this story despite going down to the APPD to ask for it specifically, it does make you want to lock your doors just a little bit tighter, doesn’t it?

Stay safe out there, Asphyxiation Point. 

Reported by Chloe Walcott

On Tuesday, citizens throughout town came to celebrate what they thought was a charity event for one of Maine’s most delicious natural resources: lobster! Instead, they found a select few had arranged what could be arguably proclaimed the city’s biggest celebration of the year. 

Liquor, food, bubble tea, shopping cart races, a live DJ, and a whipped-cream and cherries laden striking blonde popping out of perhaps the biggest cake you’ve ever seen were some of the more notable events of the evening. The party lasted well into the evening, partygoers only dragging themselves away when the party boy himself, adorned with a fuzzy, pink appendage, had to leave for the night.

And who was this mystery birthday boy, you ask? None other than our very own Dean Anderson, owner of Anderson’s. If you’ve never been down to the quaint little bar right by the docks, we highly suggest you visit. 

Happy birthday, Dean! From all of your friends here at the AP Times. 

Reported by Chloe Walcott

Seeking one responsible person, male or female, to work as a personal assistant for the administrator of AP Hospital.

MUST be trustworthy, available full-time and flexible.
Will perform background check, must have solid references.
For more information email carsoncapelo@gmail.com or call (IM Carson Capelo)

The Inaugural Millionaire Extravaganza kicked off this last weekend to glowing reviews!  Song and Zoe, Asphyxiation Points’ newest millionaires treated the upper crust of the city to a night filled with music, dancing, wine, champagne and countless exciting happenings!  

The evening began with a regular promenade of the wealthy, the prominent and the downright sexy! The sixth of June will always be remembered as the night class and sophistication were melded perfectly with a good time and swinging hips.  The two vivacious vixens had the foresight to cater the entire gathering with the most lavish entrees and entertainment.  Topless entertainment! Champagne waterfalls! The champagne was to die for! 
 
The white collars of AP were rubbing elbows and drinking and drinking and drinking.  It was a regular cavalcade of the most important people in The Point coming to pay homage to the two newest of their ranks.  The party itself was wondrous.  People from all corners attended, everyone who was anyone was there!  

The mood, the feel, the all-around fantastic aesthetic of this party screamed roaring twenties! The furniture! Imported. The meal! Imported. The entertainment! Flapper girls and stiff drinks! Stiff was what this reporter found himself near the mid-section of this party but then again… this reporter has a thing for strong women in seats of power.  Song and Zoe were in rare form, wowing gentleman and ladies alike as they mingled with their new equals.  

There were minor disturbances in the beginning of the evening that seemed to work themselves out through the power of the general vibe and the amazing champagne!  The champagne did one of the mighty hostesses in early… seeing her run up the stairs to her bathroom refuge! 

Mrs. Valentini kicked off her night with a bang and ended it much the same way.  The drinks were flowing freely and she wasn’t skimping!  It appeared for a moment near the end, that Song would be involved in some sort of domestic dispute but by this time I was too busy discussing my stocks with a cricket in her flower garden…. 

Reported by Anonymous

Alex Rustic, CEO of Asphyxiation Point’s Bank, was kidnapped during a bank robbery sometime in the early morning Saturday, May 30th. Little has been made public knowledge in regards to the search for Mrs. Rustic. I ran into her husband, Duke, just yesterday at the Port Hole and managed to ask him a few questions in regards to the situation.

Mr. Rustic advised me that his wife had somehow managed to reach out to him on Sunday, leaving a rather chilling voicemail. In the message, Mrs. Rustic advised she had been taken because she had done something wrong and would be released once her punishment was over. The call came from a blocked number, rendering it essentially untraceable and Mrs. Rustic would not- or could not- say where she was, or who had taken her.

If you, or anyone you know, has any information on the whereabouts of Mrs. Rustic or any information relating to the case, please contact the APPD immediately. 

We’ll update you as we know more! 


Reported by Chloe Walcott