I am new to town. And was reading the Times when I saw your advice column and decided to write. I am from Arkansas, By the way of Texas. Here is my problem. My family in oil back in Texas. But it seems My Daddy doesn't agree with my life style, or choices, and has now cut me off all my funds. So my way of reckoning is... I find me a nice girl, settle down my ways, then show up and give him a grandchild. He may reconsider and open up the bank vault doors once again. I been up and down the streets of Asphyxiation Point and have yet to stumble upon a wholesome and educated flower. As I would desire for such an undertaking (and it surely wouldn't hurt if she had an amazing body as well) any help in this matter would greatly be appreciated.
Signed, Lost in AP.
Hey Lost in AP,
I would like to start out by saying 'have you lost your FLIPPING mind?' Even a backwoods, hog calling hillbilly such as yourself should know you don't buy the damn cow when you're getting the milk for free!!! But as always you have come to the right place for help, because yes the bro knows. Here's what I want you to do. Go to the diner, ( Most anyone can point you in the right direction.) Order a cup of coffee to go. Head out the door and take a left. Stop by the Shop N Scrub and grab the latest copy of the AP Times. And again take a left when exiting. Go until the road curves left and head up hill to Up Town. BUT don't go that way... instead turn right. Find a seat on the ferry. Drink your coffee read the paper. And carry your sorry self out of *never happening Town* and go find your cousin.
Sincerely The Bro that Knows
Editors Note: Just like with our 'Tell Z" column, the views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the Times itself or any of its other staff.
((OOC: If you would prefer a man's take on relationship advice, please send a notecard directly in world to Miller Time (cowboyJas).))