Jay Biafra and Lyrical Unique Poem known to her friends as Poe tied the knot last evening as the sunset over the ocean. The event was beautiful and romantic despite the thoughts it might go otherwise. It wasn’t too long ago the AP Times reported domestic abuse coming from the house of this very same couple and yet here we are a short period later watching them make a lifelong unbreakable commitment for the second time.  

Father Kobayashi who presided over the ceremony spoke kindly of the couples meeting by saying, “Jay is a Sergeant in the Police Department, and Poe is a habitual offender, which is how, I assume, they met. Jay enjoys policing, running bars and Gumbo, while Poe enjoys pigs, mace and shooting her fiancé." 

Following this the couple exchanged vows that brought tears to the crowd’s eyes, Ms. Poem was quoted saying, “My Dearest Jay, I have loved You since the first say I met You over a drink called Gods Tears, and it was something different then just walking to stalk You, it was a feeling of wanting to capture You and have You forever! I knew forever would happen when You took my virginity and then we were married the first time, and after three children, Divorce, and a bullet our love has lasted it all and we are now together forever.” 

Mr. Biafra continued with his own vows straight from the heart by saying, “I too knew from the moment I had met you that you were for me. Our love has always been hot, like a fire, it burns in so many ways, but now I promise to kindle that fire with you, so our hearts are always warm and our home a hearth of happiness." 

We are hoping the heat he was referring to was not the bullet flying towards his head some short time ago but something more pleasurable. We wish the happy couple many happy years of marriage. 

Reported by Jaden

Last night Zen Den and Sandy Claws presented A Nightmare Before Christmas. The event was intended to be open event for anyone who wanted to attend. Citizens were encouraged to dress up in costume and break loose for the start of the holiday season. People went all out for the event decked out from some gruesomely covered heads to some toes which in some cases were covered by four inch stilettos. AP applauds any woman who wore them into the graveyard. Unfortunately the guests got much more when they planned for when only half way through the event there was a series of explosions. 

A new person new to our fair town who goes by the name of Ikki who was covered which scratches and bruises from the blast stated, “I don't know exactly where the blast came from. I couldn't tell. I was knocked to the ground and I blacked out for some time. I saw blood, lots of blood, and people kind of scattered everywhere. I couldn't get my head together enough to help anyone. I feel bad, but I couldn't do it.” Should she be the one feeling the pains of guilt from not helping or does the burden fall on others? 

As another event falls to shambles around the people we ask: Where were the police? Where was the security? Why hadn’t this van been checked prior to the event? Police officers were seen at the event but no suspects have been arrested for this terrible crime as of yet. ​

Reported by Jaden

Earlier in the week there was a domestic violence call made to the home of APD Sergeant Jay Biafra. According to sources, Sargent Biafra and another Officer, were shot at, at the place of residence which resulted in the arrest of the Sergeant's Fiance, Written 'Poe' Poem. 

It was said at least six shots were fired, neighbors called 911 for a possible domestic. Witnesses state there was yelling and loud noises in the home before the gun shots started to ring out. 

After the police arrived, gun shots were started, by witness accounts, it lastly approximately twenty minutes from the last shot heard to the assailant being carried out unconscious, the Sergeant taking out by EMS with a bullet wound to his stomach, and a police cruiser also damaged in the gun fire. 

Reaching out to the Sergeant and the officer, Rumour Ghost, involved, they gave brief comments, and nothing more was offered to us about the case.

"Jealousy and irrational fear that I was leaving her were the catalyst for the shooting, it won't affect our relationship as my love for her remains the same and not even a speeding bullet can change that, however, some drastic changes are going to be made." -Sergeant Jay Biafra

We also tried to contact the court officers and Police department for comment. Nothing was offered from the courts in the way of charges that are going to be officially filed, but we did get this from Officer Ghost that was shot at and the Chief of police about the events and Ms. Poem.

"Officers were called to a domestic disturbance in the harbour area of Asphyxiation Point. On arrival they encountered a hysterical woman (Miss Poem) who then shot at the officer. During a struggle Miss Poem failed to resist and in the confusion shot her fiance APPD Sergeant Biafra. This is not the first time Mrs Poem has been up on firearms charges, and we strongly suspect it wont be the last."
-Chief DeSanta

"I have to say No Comment for the official records but unofficially, Miss Poem is now on the way of getting the help she needs. Im sorry I cannot say more on the subject and I hope you understand". - Officer Ghost

We will be following up as this case goes to court.

Reported by Willa Getit

​The grand opening of the Below the Belt boxing center drew plenty of attention from Asphyxiation Point locals. While it would typically be considered a "downtown" event, citizens from Uptown seemed to have their interests piqued as well. Before the doors opened, the crowds were already gathering outside of the gym, amusing themselves with conversation and refreshments provided by Flick the Bean and 2nd Base Bar. Despite an isolated incident involving a notoriously aggressive resident known as Poe, the attendees were in good spirits and enjoying the crisp, cool autumn atmosphere. 

The Below the Belt "sponsor", Warwick DeSanta, Police Chief of Asphyxiation Point, was thrilled with the turn out. According to DeSanta, the gym will be beneficial to many of the locals. He hopes to acquire more staff in the future which would result in additional offerings being provided at the facility, as quoted, "So there can be activity even when there ain't matches on. So like, you know offer coaching' to folks, work with young offenders for some positive outcomes, self defense. You know, and there's general weight lifting and gym equipment down there free to use for everyone."

The entrance of the underground facility was adorned with a banner and festive twinkle lights, in attempt to give the visitors a warm, inviting welcome. A boxing ring was located in the center of the room with two sets of bleacher-style seating flanking opposite sides. Overall, the facility was seemed orderly and clean, and as DeSanta mentioned, there were various exercise implements neatly arranged along the walls. Though the overhead lighting was particularly dim, there was ample illumination from a large window at the far end of the building.

Before the main event, Kat Zeye was introduced by the event's announcer, APPD Dispatcher Hernandoez. Zeye, Captain of the Asphyxiation Point Fire Department, provided an informative class on CPR free of charge. Most of the participants who had questions regarding the technique were given clear and definitive answers to cover any apprehension or curiosities that they might have. 

The motivation for holding this class before the event may have been sparked by concern over the impending fights and possible lack of properly trained medical staff. According to Zeye, "The most concerning boxing injury is a head impact resulting in a potential brain injury. The punch impact shakes the brain within the skull and causes the brain to act abnormally for a brief period of time." 

Typically, a sporting event takes precaution by providing EMTs to supervise in case of emergency. However, other than a few fire department staff members who attended the event off duty, the only other qualified individual seemed to be the instructor herself. The extent of Zeye's medical knowledge is unknown. 

Once the class was dismissed, the stands begin to quickly fill and shortly afterward, the first fighters, Emelya Aheka Ra'Tori and Kıᴍвʌ Rossini were announced. The two women gave a strong and aggressive showing, not leaving any doubts as to their ferocity. They matched one another blow for blow and gave quite an impressive exhibition match. The match was won by a knockout from Ms Rossini.

The second set of fighters were Bruno Caffarelli and AP Times' very own, Pen Dragon. Things got heated in the stands when Dragon's wife, Jadey Dragon, verbally confronted Asphyxiation local, Poe, after a drifter, known as Dany Grayman, instigated a physical altercation, following an expression of disdain toward Pen that was executed by Poe. Grayman and Poe were quickly separated by off duty police officer, Jay Biafra. His method of attending to the situation by 'spanking' Poe, was met with few expressions of disapproval, but shockingly most spectators seemed unimpressed. Despite the distraction that had taken place in the stands, the two fighters in the ring continued to throw their blows and the opponent, Caffarelli,  was bested by Mr. Dragon. Pen celebrated his victory by embracing his wife, Jadey and simultaneously the tension in the stands had been extinguished. The crowd began filing out as Sergent  Biafra responded to an open request by another man to engage in a friendly spar for their own entertainment. The outcome of that particular fight is unknown.

According to Warwick, the gym was meant to provide a place where individuals could safely engage in physical activity with proper safety precautions being enforced. "Lotta folks around here got some pent up aggression," states Warwick, "Thought it might be an idea to let them expel it with padded gloves so no one gets seriously hurt." 

Considering the brawl that occurred in the stands, it is unclear as to whether or not these type of events will inevitably fuel the aggressive tendencies of AP's residents. When questioned on the possibility of future fighting events, Warwick remained hopeful. "It went really well. Good turn out and all. Folks seemed pretty excited about it. Had a few folks show interest in getting' involved in future so yeah, I think we'll definitely be doing it again."

Though, each of the fighters involved had suffered several obvious injuries, including, but not limited to, bruising and swelling, they were responsible for seeking medical attention at their own discretion outside of the facility. No report has been made on whether or not the participants sought for medical treatment upon departing. 

Reported by Peter Pan

First match of the evening. Emelya Aheka Ra'Tori vs Kıᴍвʌ Rossini 

​Potential trouble for the people and environment of Asphyxiation Point turned into a beautiful addition to our tourist town. EPA and FDA officials, doing a routine inspection, found what they originally thought to be high levels of a toxic compound at the site of the 'Stop n Go' convenience store early last month. A soil sample was sent of to Maine Environmental Laboratory in Yarmouth for testing to discover the cause of the unusual discovery.

In a recently released corporate memo, the owners of the 'Stop n Go' franchise decided to reclaim the land and let an EPA team do a ecological clean up. This was a way of promoting a friendlier, greener image to the public in advance of the test results being conducted. However, a source inside the EPA lab in Yarmouth issued a preliminary press release stating that the land was to be condemned due to a "toxic" leak. This premature information forced the hand of  Lazluk Inc, the corporate entity that owns the franchise rights to 'Stop n Go' and who had purchased the land on which the convenience store stood. In response Lazluk issued the following statement.

"Rumors of a "toxic" leak are grossly exaggerated. Our building was old and some leaks are natural. All our food products are one hundred percent safe and vetted. Moving forward, we are selling the Stop N Go property and moving to a smaller, more manageable premises. Downsizing will help us focus on what's really important... you."

Following the statement the old 'Stop n Go' store front was immediately demolished and land sold back to Asphyxiation Point who immediately seized the opportunity to reclaim the land as a public park until such time as another business should decide to locate there. Currently the park is decorated for the upcoming Halloween holiday. 

'Stop n Go' consolidated it's operation into the smaller shop across the street, 'Suds n Scrub.' The new venture, called 'The Shop N Scrub Depot' is the result and is being described as a successful combination of a laundromat and a convenience store. On the heels of these changes the EPA report was finally released and states that "No considerable levels of any major toxic substances were found on the property."

Reported by Pen Dragon